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Tiles and Tribulations/Transcript
DISCLAIMER CHI-CHI: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (Cut to Super Saiyan Gohan continuing his training inside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber by throwing multiple ki blasts at the ground. As he lands on the ground and struggles to maintain his Super Saiyan form, the door suddenly flies open, and Chi-Chi walks inside.) CHI-CHI: Gohan, where are you?! GOHAN: Huh? CHI-CHI: You've been slacking on your maths! GOHAN: Mo-Mom?! What are you doing here? PICCOLO: (standing on the side) I-I'm sorry, Go-chan. She overpowered me! GOHAN: Go-wha...? CHI-CHI: If you fall behind on your vector calculus, how are you going to do your taxes?! We don't have the money to pay people for that! GOHAN: Mom, I'm trying to help save the world, here. CHI-CHI: What world is there if you have no idea how to prove or disprove the Riemann hypothesis?! GOHAN: The same one we live in now? I guess? CHI-CHI: If you wanted to squander your potential and disappoint everyone, you should just become a politician! Now, where's your father? PICCOLO: Yeah, where is he? PERFECT CELL: Yes... (suddenly appears behind Chi-Chi) Where's Goku? CHI-CHI: Huh? (turns around and gets slapped in the face by Perfect Cell and falls on the ground) GOHAN: Oh, thank God--I mean, OH, MY GOD! (a snapping sound is heard and then shows Piccolo falling down on the ground) PERFECT CELL: My dear Gohan. (steps on Piccolo's head and crushes it, causing Piccolo to groan, and then floats up and lowers his foot above Chi-Chi's head) There's something you should know... (crushes Chi-Chi's head with his foot) I... (Perfect Cell turns around is shown with Goku's face and speaks in Goku's voice) GOKU: ...love you, son... (shift to Gohan sleeping in a bed with Goku standing right next to him) GOHAN: (in his sleep) OH, MY GOD! AHH! GOKU: Why are you tripping, Gohan? GOHAN: (opens his eyes) A nightmare... (gets up on the bed) A terrible nightmare! GOKU: Oh. Was it the one where your mom and Piccolo come in, then Cell shows up and kills them, and suddenly he has my face, and it's all like "Wha...?" GOHAN: Yes... GOKU: Aw, it's all good! I've been having that one for a week! GOHAN: (lies back down on the bed) I think we've been in here too long. GOKU: Eh... (looks at the wall, which is covered in red tally marks) Maybe just a little... SEQUENCE (cut to Piccolo and Tien on The Lookout) PICCOLO: So, a development: Cell's gone. BULMA: Wait. So, Trunks won? TIEN: No, he split. As in, grabbed his metaphorical shit and flew off. BULMA: After killing Trunks?! PICCOLO: No. BULMA: Vegeta?! PICCOLO: Nobody's dead! TIEN: Yet. PICCOLO: I think he just got bored and left. BULMA: So...we won, then? PICCOLO: No! TIEN: (rolls his eyes) Oh, my God! (cut to Trunks on the islands) TRUNKS: HYAH!!! (transforms into a Super Saiyan lets loose a burst of energy, emitting a bright light from high above the clouds as Vegeta and Krillin arrive and sees him down on his hands and knees) KRILLIN: Aw, geez. He's taking it pretty rough. VEGETA: It's pathetic. Find some honor in defeat, for God's sake! KRILLIN: (under his breath) View must be great from that glass house of yours. VEGETA: Hrm?! KRILLIN: (quickly) We should go check on him! (shift to Vegeta landing in front of Trunks with his back turned away from him) TRUNKS: (reverts back to his normal form) I... I'm sorry. (Krillin lands near Vegeta) I did my best, but...he just toyed with me! I couldn't do anything! And in the end...I wasn't even important enough to kill! VEGETA: Sucks, doesn't i--I mean, sucks to be you! (under his breath) Yeah, that was it. KRILLIN: Again, guys. Come on. It's just me, Krillin. Everyone's friend. ANDROID 16: I would like more friends... KRILLIN & TRUNKS: Huh? ANDROID 16: I seem to have misplaced mine when Cell... Oh. TRUNKS: You've got to be kidding me! I would never be friends with you! ANDROID 16: I was not speaking to you! I was speaking to the duck. KRILLIN: Well, quack, quack, big guy! Any friend of 18 is a friend of mine! Let's get you all patched up. ANDROID 16: You are the pluckiest duck. Together we shall be the Bird and the B. The B stands for... KRILLIN: Brobot! ANDROID 16: Yes. TRUNKS: What am I watching? VEGETA: I don't know, but I hate it. TRUNKS: Well, hopefully he doesn't try and screw this one. VEGETA: Ha! No robo. (Cut to Perfect Cell landing near a peaceful countryside with a man coming near a sink to splash water on his face and two birds drink water from a pond. Perfect Cell proceeds to level the entire area, causing the man to scream, and then telekinetically lifts a big rock from the ground and cuts its into a large white marble and then divides the marble into multiple tiles. Perfect Cell then thrust one arm forward and makes all the tiles fall on the floor, making a giant ring.) PERFECT CELL: Ahhh, yes. The perfect place for my Cell Ga-- (a short pause as sees that one of the tiles is green) ''Son of an emerald whore, '''STARTING' AGAIN!!! (flies off) (cut to outside Capsule Corp. with Mrs. Briefs watering some flowers when Vegeta and Trunks lands behind her) MRS. BRIEFS: Vegeta! It's been so long! How was space? VEGETA: Hello, MILF. MRS. BRIEFS: Oh, Veggie. I'm a grandmother now! Call me GILF. VEGETA: Your culture is so confusing. MRS. BRIEFS: (notices Trunks) Oh. And who is this lavender-haired gentlemen you've brought with you? TRUNKS: (awkwardly) Umm... KRILLIN: (arrives while carrying 16) Grandkid from the future. Leave the swinging for the park. MRS. BRIEFS: Phooey. KRILLIN: Now, where Bulma at? We got an Android in desperate need of repair. (a bell rings) Huh? DR. BRIEFS: (comes in riding a bicycle) Why come to the acorn when you have the mighty oak! I taught Bulma everything she knows! Except the dangers of miscegenation, apparently. KRILLIN: Heck, if you're volunteering to help, we won't say no. DR. BRIEFS: Just try to the keep the house guests to a minimum. We just got rid of Yajirobe, and we barely have enough food to accommodate anyone... (a Capsule Corp. plane arrives and lands nearby) MASTER ROSHI: (from inside the ship) What up, bitches?! Where my GILF at?! DR. BRIEFS: ...else. (cut to Trunks, Vegeta, Krillin, Mrs. Briefs, Chi-Chi, Chiaotzu, Master Roshi, Oolong, Puar, and Yamcha inside as Dr. Briefs begins working on 16) DR. BRIEFS: Alrighty, I'm going to hook your internal OS up to my system. There may be some involuntary oil release--that's natural. And... (boots up 16's memory on his PC, which shows a screen filled with multiple birds as "Surfin Bird" by the Trashmen plays on the monitor) Good God! How long has this been running?! ANDROID 16: How long has what been running? DR. BRIEFS: We're just going to close that for a moment... (closes the bird-infested file, with the monitor changing to a flaming image of Goku with the words "KILL" popping up on the screen while Dr. Gero's voice is heard saying "Kill Son Goku!" over and over) ...Well, bird's the word! (reopens the bird-infested file) TRUNKS: ...And then he just flew off. Now we don't know where he is, or what he's planning. KRILLIN: Well, plus side, you're alive. TRUNKS: Oh, thanks for the consolation. KRILLIN: Hey, don't knock it. Sometimes you ain't so lucky. MASTER ROSHI: Yeah. YAMCHA: Yuh-huh. VEGETA: Mmm-hmm. CHIAOTZU: Yup-yup-yup. TRUNKS: Wait a second. Have all five of you died?! KRILLIN: Oh ho ho, yeah! Chiaotzu and I twice. First round was basically just Piccolo's dad being a dick. CHIAOTZU: Yep. Second time, I blew myself up trying to kill Vegeta's dumbass friend. Now he's out there making movies or some shit. TRUNKS: Oh, wait. So how did Yamcha die? YAMCHA: Ah... Um... VEGETA: Oh, yes. Go ahead. Tell us how you died! I'll fact check. YAMCHA: On my feet, like a man! VEGETA: Well, you're half-right. MASTER ROSHI: If you're finished picking on Yamcha... VEGETA: Never! MASTER ROSHI: ...we've got bigger fish to fry. Cell's out there, and we have no idea what insidious plot he's brewing. (cut to Perfect Cell floating above a circular ring) PERFECT CELL: How did all these squares make a circle?! I just--! ...No, no. It's fine. It's fine. It doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me... It bothers me, it bothers me a lot! (the screen zooms out to reveal one tile in the ring still colored green) AND THAT ONE'S STILL GREEN!!! (cut to Dr. Briefs scanning 16's skeletal structure inside his lab) DR. BRIEFS: Thanks to the schematics Bulma brought me, I should be able to repair you! However, after rooting around in your system for a bit, I've discovered that you're missing an extensive portion of data. Unfortunately, Gero's server was destroyed with his lab, so... ANDROID 16: That is fine. I am my own Android. I will live my life accordingly. Faults and all. DR. BRIEFS: I could always give you a sick gatling gun. ANDROID 16: Appreciated, but unnecessary. (notices Dr. Briefs' cat on his shoulder) What is that creature on your shoulder? DR. BRIEFS: This? Oh, this is my pussycat! ANDROID 16: May I touch your pussy? (Dr. Briefs' cat meows) DR. BRIEFS: As long as you don't crush it. (16 takes his cat from his shoulder) ANDROID 16: Hello, pussycat. (Dr. Briefs' cat licks his face) It is licking me now. Should I lick the pussy? CHI-CHI: (voice over) Absolutely not! (cut to everyone else outside Capsule Corp) TRUNKS: But Chi-Chi, if and when we have to fight Cell again, we're going to need Gohan! CHI-CHI: What you need is to get it through your heads! I told Goku he could train with Gohan. I never said anything about letting him fight! KRILLIN: You cannot keep him out of this--he's a fighter! CHI-CHI: He's ten! KRILLIN: And he's the third strongest fighter I know! VEGETA: (glares at Krillin) Who's the fourth? KRILLIN: Umm... CHI-CHI: I'm a fighter too, you know! How do you think I landed the strongest man on the planet? VEGETA: Arguably. CHI-CHI: Do not make me come over there! I will rip your world a-f**king-sunder! VEGETA: (nervously looks away, and groans) CHI-CHI: Look, I might be books in and books out, but that's because I want something better for my son, instead of surviving off prize money and welfare. Now, I know that I can't stop him. But if he fights and gets hurt, or God forbid dies, and any of you could have stopped it...there's no dragon in this universe that will save you from me. VEGETA: (muttering under his breath) Don't make me come over there... (cut to Perfect Cell floating above his now complete ring) PERFECT CELL: Finally! It is complete! Perfectly square, a fine marble white, and a full twenty-four by twenty-- (notices a half-tile on the ring and stares at it) ...Let it go, Cell. You have shit to do. (flies off) (cut to inside Capsule Corp with a Hetap commercial on the TV) ACTOR 1: Hey, man. Is that the last Hetap? ACTOR 2: Yeah, and it's all mine! (a gunshot is heard while it shifts to Krillin, Trunks, Yamcha, Puar, and Vegeta watching the commercial) Ahh! Ahh! Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Why?! (another gunshot is heard) NARRATOR: Hetap. Come on, you've killed for less. VEGETA: (thinking) That's not untrue... KRILLIN: Hey, so not that I mind a good ol' veg sesh, but do we need everyone for this? TRUNKS: You guys can go ahead and take off. I'll stick around and watch for Cell. It's been kind of neat to watch old TV shows. I checked out the country music channel earlier. Did you know that country is actually awful? YAMCHA: Well then, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna hit the gym. Make sure I'm ready for if Cell comes back. KRILLIN: Oh, can I join you? We'll make a day out of it, get some FroYo after. It is my cheat day. VEGETA: Oh, that sounds like fun. Mind if I join? Maybe we can see a movie, too. KRILLIN: Sure! That sounds awesome! I've been waiting for--you're being sarcastic, aren't you? VEGETA: Careful! It's learning. YAMCHA: You know, if you're going to skulk around, you could at least try to not be a total dick about it! VEGETA: Oh, you're right. Allow me to try again. *clears throat* Hello, earthling. How's that gaping chest wound? YAMCHA: Just fine! How's your spine? VEGETA: ...I'm giving you a five minute head start. YAMCHA: Thank you. I'm going to need it. You're very fast. BULMA: (quickly runs inside the room) Where is he? I heard he's here! Where's my baby?! MRS. BRIEFS: You're holding him, darling! BULMA: No, the big baby! MRS. BRIEFS: Well, Vegeta's right over there, across from Trunks! BULMA: Oh, thank God! (appears in front of Trunks, causing him to stumble back) You okay, sweetie? I heard about everything! Do you need a snack? Maybe a juice box? TRUNKS: Mom, I'm eighteen. BULMA: Oh, right. Um, stiff drink? TRUNKS: Mom, still eighteen. (shift to Master Roshi watching an aerobics show on TV) AEROBATICS INSTRUCTOR: Work your body! Work your body! Make sure you don't hurt nobody! OOLONG: (approaches Master Roshi and sits next to him) You know there's actual porn on the Internet, right? MASTER ROSHI: Pig, you've gotta be able to appreciate the classics! It's what separates the perverts from the connoisseurs. AEROBATICS INSTRUCTOR: One! Two! One-- (light starts erupts from the ground) Huh? (the floor explodes and shows Perfect Cell rising up from below the instructor) Ahh! (Master Roshi and Oolong both scream and huddle back from the TV, which also catches Vegeta, Trunks, Bulma, and Chi-Chi's attention) AEROBATICS INSTRUCTOR: (falls down to the ground as Perfect Cell ascends to the next floor) Ahh! You have great glutes! (everyone minus Vegeta is seen gathered in front of the TV) KRILLIN: Roshi! Change the channel! (Master Roshi changes the channel and shows Perfect Cell rising in a cooking show in one channel, a soap opera in another channel, and then shows an anime movie) CHIAOTZU: Oh, wait! I love this movie! Leave it here! KRILLIN: Chiaotzu. CHIAOTZU: Fine, whatever. (Master Roshi changes the channel to a news reporter on WHN news) NEWS REPORTER: And as you can see, every dog has its-- (Perfect Cell erupts underground right beside him) Aaahhhh! (Perfect Cell grabs him by the neck and lifts him into the air) PERFECT CELL: The following contains violence, coarse language and adult situations not suitable for minors. Viewer discretion is advised. (snaps the news reporter's neck off-screen while everyone at Capsule Corp minus Chiaotzu watches in horror) CHIAOTZU: Whoa! Brutal! PERFECT CELL: Ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls, and that technicolor rainbow in between, I am Cell. You may remember me from the following cities. (shows a quick scroll down of all the cities he has visited) Of course if you lived in those cities, you won't remember because you are now part of my biomass as I absorbed you. But that's not what I'm here to talk to about today. Today, I'm making an announcement! KRILLIN: Please be leaving the planet forever. Please be leaving the planet forever. Please be leaving the planet forever! PERFECT CELL: I am leaving the planet forever. KRILLIN: WOO-HOO! PERFECT CELL: After I blow it up! KRILLIN: OH, NO! PERFECT CELL: Unless! KRILLIN: (wheezes) PERFECT CELL: One of your planet's (takes an aside glance) "champions" can best me in one-on-one combat! BULMA: So Goku, then. VEGETA: (off-screen) Shut up! PERFECT CELL: I am officially hosting a once-in-your-lifetime event! A tournament so grand, it will leave you breathless! I hereby dub it...the Cell Games! Be part of the conversation on Twitter at #CellGames! YAMCHA: (looking at his phone) Annnnnd he's already trending. PERFECT CELL: For all of you familiar with your adorable little World Martial Arts Tournament, I'll be borrowing the rules. No brackets this time, however. Yours truly will be your only opponent. And much like Vegeta's mother, (winks) I will accept all comers. VEGETA: How dare...? KRILLIN: (off-screen) ...Why'd you take off your shirt? (shift to The Lookout with Piccolo, Tien and Mr. Popo watching the news on a TV) PERFECT CELL: The location of this marvelous event is 28 KS Point 5. If you don't know where that is, blame the cartographers. The games will start at noon one week from today. That should give you plenty of time to prepare. Or for those not participating, time to connect with loved ones, get your affairs in order, or maybe just kill your boss! Get a purge going! Live a little! Because in one week's time... (chuckles and raises one hand at the back of the studio) Well, to give you an idea... (fires a blast through the back to the studio that destroys many buildings and a mountain) So, keep that in mind, and I'll see you next Sunday! Also, feel free to pray to your God. But spoilers--I won't be listening. (Perfect Cell flies out of the hole in the studio as the gang over at Kame House look in shock and fear at the static in the TV...until it abruptly changes to a porn channel.) KRILLIN: Roshi, what the hel-- MASTER ROSHI: He said one week! I'm usin' it!! SEQUENCE STINGER ("Someone is Calling" ringtone starts playing before someone picks up the phone) ???: Hello? (someone speaks over the phone) Oh yeah, I saw it. I've already got my promo team on it. We'll have you on a plane tomorrow. You just do some pushups, sit ups, and pull plenty of buses... (the person on the phone is revealed to be Nappa) ...champ. OUTRO KAISERNEKO: Salutations! I'm your kind editor and director, KaiserNeko! Thank you so much for being patient with this episode. Expect the next one in a much shorter time frame. In the meantime, check out our Gaming Channel over on TFS Gaming with Goku's Gonna Show You: We Happy Few. And for more abridging magic, wander on over to Something Witty's Channel, with a grind and raid for the best communic loop in Sword Art: Online Abridged. Finally, check out our Patreon and thanks so much to all our current contributors. Without you, none of this would be possible. See you next episode!